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The Scallop: Chewing Gum Scandal!

The Ford Gum corporation, manufacturer of the popular chewing gum company “Big League Chew,” has just filed bankruptcy amid concerns that the number 2 ingredient is simply labeled as: “flies.” For many years, customers have been curious about what makes Big League Chew so chewy, but last week, when the secret recipe for the product was leaked online, they were shocked to find that the second ingredient was flies. Complaints against the company were filed almost immediately, but as it would turn out, using flies in the gum formula was entirely legal.

“Billions of flies are killed yearly,” our FDA correspondent claimed. “They have to go somewhere.”

Regardless, the sales of Ford Gum products, especially “Big League Chew”, began to plummet upon the news reaching the general public, and forced the company to file for bankruptcy.
“We admit no wrongdoing,” Ford Gum CEO Scott Lerner announced in a press conference last week. “You all loved it before you knew.”

~ Duncan Rampen, Satire

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